Listen up kids, here’s everything you need to know about buying a Wavestorm, prepping, installation, care, return policy, etc. Just don’t ask me how to surf the thing, kook.

How do you buy a Wavestorm? You have three options.

Get a Costco membership card ($60/year) Ravage the samples. Get a chicken bake. Check out the flat screen TVs. Proceed to the “water sports section” and pick out your $99 Wavestorm. Don’t even think about the SUP or little fish thingy. Put it in a shopping cart, or under your arm and proceed to throw shakas all the way to the line. Don’t have a Costco card? You can either “Hey Mister” a unsuspecting shopper in the parking lot, or try option 2.

I once found a mint condition early model Wavestorm that was a package deal with a box of tackle for $40. Deals are out there. Lots of people will put up brand new Wavestorms on Craigslist for around $150, preying on the unfortunate who do not have a Costco Membership. I’ve gone this route before. The downside to buying a board on the internet is that you can not take advantage of the epic return policy.  There’s also the chance of getting murdered by a craigslist rando in an Arby’s parking lot.

Once you get that sucker home, unwrap the laminate and breathe deep. That’s the smell of questionable Chinese labor practices and environmental destruction. Cherish it. Use a knife to cut through where they keep the fins and the leash. Throw away the leash (they are for dogs). I’m not kidding, take the lid off the can and dump the ankle choker.

Install the fins. This should be simple enough. Want to try something different? Try a twin fin setup from Fang Surf Fins. or single fin from The Perfect Storm. Hell, leave them out and go for a finless spin!

To wax or not to wax, young grasshopper? I do a couple diagonal strokes of wax just to rough it up and then rub some sand on it. I don’t wax the Wavestorm regularly, it doesn’t really need it after the slippery coat of Chinese slime and factory workers tears whisk away into the ocean. Cherish that too.

I recently took a 14 month old snapped-in-half Wavestorm to Costco, waited in the return line, fully expecting that they would not take this sunbeaten, waterlogged board. I waited for about 10 minutes, got to the front of the line and the Costco employee said “What happened? Shark bite?” I said yes, what is your return policy? She said they accepted returns within “a reasonable  amount of time.”

I thought I was screwed, I asked if over a year is a reasonable amount and she agreed it was, And asked if I wanted debit or cash. I took the cash and went right back to the aisle and grabbed myself a new stick. So, the return policy is very lenient. Don’t abuse it though or you will ruin it for the rest of us.

At this point if you haven’t packed your purse, buckled up in the drivers side of your 4 seater, and punched Costco into Google maps already, it’s not likely you have a pulse (in which case, get yourself seen by some medical attention). Happy surfboarding kiddos!